Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, And prudent in their own sight! Isaiah 5:21 NKJV
How dangerous it is for us to be blind of our own weaknesses and potential of fallenness. This is the point where I thank God for placing important people in my life, such as my mentor, to help me see my flaws. Sometimes, the things that she said to me may be the things I don't want to hear. However, the things she said to me are true, because 1) it is the truth based on God's word, and I know that God's word is undeniably reflective of my flaws; 2) she had already experienced the downfall I was about to encounter, and she don't want me to experience the same wound. It is not easy, at first, to accept my imperfections, but I know that God is continually shaping me and bringing the best of me, along with the assistance of these people to whom I submit myself to. So, in this entry, I would like to share my journey in walking with God, along with the help of my mentor.
First of all, I don't like to look weak in front of people, because it is uncomfortable to be seen as imperfect. I've always wanted to be strong. I love to be in control and keep things organized, to have things carried out according to plan. But God knows the best in my life. Were I to walk independently on my own, 8 years ago, I would have ended up in ruins and wound myself with foolish things today.
Back then, before I seriously accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior in 2012, I used to look for acceptance because I was insecure with my identity. People kept labeling me as a pastor's kid and kept calling me "holy" or "the good girl". They did not understand that it is not my choice to be born as a pastor's kid, nor understand the dilemma of expressing myself as a free individual without tainting the reputation of my parents.
"Debra, it's not your job to worry so. Are you the pastor?" Mom responded to my thoughts several months ago. "No, I'm not." "Then don't worry about it. Just be who you are."
Unfortunately, things were not that simple for us, pastor's kids. Even several months ago, I was still struggling with this issue, before I had the conversation with my mentor that slowly change the way I perceive myself. As PKs (pastor's kids), we were inevitably involved in internal happennings of the church. Still, I am grateful that those situations trained me flex my spiritual muscles to rely more on God everyday, instead of my own strength. Pastors and their family are still humans. They are not perfect. They are not God.
However, as time went by, I learnt that Christianity is not a religion, but a personal relationship with God -- my very own freedom, risk and responsibility I am priviliged with, whether I am a pastor's kid or not. Religion only forces us to submit under the law of legalism and self-righteousness, but a relationship with God priviliges us to live under grace, that we are saved by grace through faith.
Ephesians 2:8-10 says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." I realized that I cannot be saved by doing good, going to church, reading the Bible or even by being a pastor's kid. I am saved because God loves me first (1 John 4:19). God has given me the strength to love my family, friends, those who hurt me and even love myself as who I am (without hiding my identity) because He loves me before I knew what was the true meaning of love. His grace is sufficient for me, for His strength is made perfect in weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). "I am who I am, not who you think I am, or who you want me to be," as said by Brigitte Nicole. Were I not a pastor's kid, and had I not listen to my mentor's advice, I would not realize that precious truth about my identity.
"It's hard to be a pastor's kid. Do you see me as a pastor's kid?" I asked my mentor. "No, Debra. I have never seen you as one. This is why I never hesitate to confront your flaws, or even to tell you the things that you don't want to hear. It is just because of one simple reason. I see you as who you are - as Debra. Not as anyone else."
I felt tears were brimming to my eyes. That was the first time in my life someone explicitly and sincerely spoken about this matter out loud, eye to eye. It is one of the greatest blessings in my life to have someone who fully sees me as who I am, as a whole individual signified by the 5 letters spelling out my name, without any partiality of perception in associating my existence with my parents, major, hobby, or who as people perceived me to be. I've never felt so blessed in my life to have someone to correct me out of care and love. May I never be wise in my own eyes, and prudent in my own sight. And I thank God that I am alive to be shaped continually by His hands in everyday.
EDK YK. 281220
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