Tuesday. April 17, 2018.
Jogjakarta.
Today I turned 20 and it felt... quite ordinary. And strange. I’ve been dreading for this day to come. It means that, I will not be a teen anymore but an adult. More responsibillites. Higher expectations. Older (of course, duh).
I woke up today at 5 AM, finding birthday wishes flooding in. My best friend, Fun, texted me first in 00.04 AM. Then I continued scrolling my phone, hovering over other messages that kept pouring in until the evening. I met my parents before taking a bath. They seemed to forget my birthday and did not say anything about it. It was after I finished my bath my dad popped out from the office congratulating me a cheery birthday wish and mom giving me a 10-seconds bear hug. They did not forget.
I dressed up nicely for first period class. I was wearing a black-red checkered skirt, black tee topped with red cardi and a matching leather totebag plus black flats (ballerina shoes for life lol). I took a seat in the middle. At first, my friends did not know it was my birthday until Susan came congratulating me a warm birthday. Then everyone started singing (oh my gosh I can’t believe I’m writing this). Facebook wishes poured in. Whatsapp messages chimed in. Direct messages floated onto my phone screen. Friends offered treating me goodies (that is such an ancient word) and stuffs.
Unexpected people gave me birthday wishes. I was truly amazed and also touched by that. I did not realize that I was significant. I am the eldest child in my family, and I spent most of my time looking after my younger siblings. Sometimes I did not have a place to talk to (note: SOMETIMES). My friends may see me as an independent girl with bold smile, but actually, I often had these insecurities and lies playing in my mind—saying that I am not better than this or that girl. It is also one of the reasons why I stopped playing Instagram for a while, taking a break and trying to realize what others actually see of me. I was reminded by God of the person that prayed for me a year ago. In her prayer, she said that I didn’t have to worry about all those lies that I allowed it to play in my head. I didn’t have to feel that I am insignificant. She talked about a missing puzzle piece that finally completed the picture—and that was me. I wondered when will I matter.
It turned out that today is when God showed His love for me. People may ask why most of the time my writings talked about how good God is and how real He is. Well, actually, I just cannot help to share what I am feeling. I will be lying to others if I don’t speak about the reason I am so full of joy. Now I know that He is so close to me, writing out my life’s story. Anyways, it was really unexpected that people see me differently compared to the way I see myself.
I was really touched when two of my closest friends, my seniors, showed up in front of my house bringing a birthday cake. Actually, they were supposed to go out for a date but they stopped by just to give me a nice surprise. It was starting to rain, and their shirts were wet. Plus, my cake did not have a candle on it since they bought it in a rush. Nevertheless, I blew the imaginary candle and gave them a hug.
However, I felt a little bit sad because my sister was sick. She had been going through rough times since her roadtrip to Bali and Lombok. She did not feel well for almost 5 days, and kept wanting to vommit. It was suspected that she had a little bit of vertigo. After coming home from campus, she wished me a weak ‘happy birthday’ from her bed, still looking pale and wrapped in thick covers. It was so painful to see her like that. If only I can take her place. I hope that she will recover soon because my parents will be away again.
Despite all the bad things and thoughts, I felt kind of blessed to have these people surrounding my life. I still have other people to hold on to and realize that I matter to them. Nineteen plus one comes with a big responsibility, but it’s not so bad after all.
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